I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
