My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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