I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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