Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
