Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
