dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
this beer tastes like vomit already
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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