If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
