Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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