just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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