Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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