i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
