If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
