apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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