im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
