Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
