You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
