i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
