I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
