Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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