I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm really busy with my period
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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