He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize