He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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