your room smells of hookers.
And success
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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