I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Let's get the cat blown out
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
