Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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