my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
