I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
