the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
