I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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