i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
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