1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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