this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
