he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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