I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
