Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
