Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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