Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
