I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Randomize
