I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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