the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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