lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
