But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
