The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
