She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
