I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
barbara walters just said penis...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just want nice things and good sex
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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