I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
