I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
