PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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