you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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