Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
