I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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