You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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