We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
