maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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