I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Randomize