I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
