If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
