she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
